Why am I?

 

EDIT: Arm adjusted 09/05/09 Going for something lighter in terms of subject and hopefully, a little uplifting too. I brought the horizon up with the flight of the bird to get a stronger feeling of ...

 

What do you do when your soul is aching?

When the very depths of your being stings with pain?

You can pour on alcohol, or put on a bandage, but the scar still seeps with agony 

You smile and a tinge of brokenness is the only emotion that washes across your face.

Why am I so hurt?

So many emotions buried, as much as I true to heal, they surface their ugly head

I just want to be okay…

I want to have happiness that doesn’t float away 

It’s like a ship being rocked to and fro, the moment you think you’re steady, a heap of water plunges on to the boat’s floor

Why am I not okay?

This messy dichotomy of sadness and happiness, confidence and lack

Most often I feel like I’m drowning, being pulled down by fear, anxiety, depression

I try and I try to rise, but my feet are anchored, buried in the past 

I just want relief, to live in the present and not to be swallowed by feelings of inadequacy and grief

Why am I not enough?

Nobody knows my pain, my struggles,

I sit barren face, “serious,” “mean”…

But really I’m just a child screaming to be accepted, to be loved, to be valued

I’m so tired of being misunderstood, of over-explaining, of talking too much

I walk around like an alien, so far removed from society

Nobody understands my wit, my passion, my being 

Why am I so different?

I’m trying to be happy, to survive, to beat the odds.

But I find myself here again, struggling, trying to smile, when my heart is filled with so much sorrow

How do I heal alone…How do I heal from things that I continue to have to face

How do I finally be okay?

~Jay Smoove~

4 thoughts on “Why am I?

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