Feelings

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Dark emotions swirl around like a never ending cloud

They entangle me, trying desperately to bury me in negativity 

I bat the thoughts away, trying to shield my mind 

Why does happiness so easily evade me?

Doubt, sadness, loneliness blanket me 

All I want to do is break free…

Break free from the thoughts..

Break free from the emotions..

Break free from the expectations…

Why do I feel so completely alone?

Surrounded by family, friends, peers

Deep within however, I feel so deprived of love

Those feelings haunt me constantly hovering in my space

Go away….I just want to be happy

Go away…I’m so tired of the mental anguish within

Go away….Feelings…Please go away  

~Jay Smoove~

Healing

 

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My heart lies open, copious amounts of blood flow freely 

All the pain, darkness, and bitterness seep out

I am completely drained

I lay transfixed upon the earth, arms stretched out wide 

The sun kisses my dark brown skin 

Flowers burst with beautiful colors of green, yellow, and red 

Butterflies and hummingbirds fly freely  around me 

I bask in the glory of it all 

Slowly my heart begins to fill again

This time with light, love and hope 

Happiness courses through my veins

I smile.

Is this what life is supposed to feel like?

My heart is stitched together carefully this time 

Without hurt and shame, without suffering 

I am whole, I am complete 

Healing has finally come to me

~Jay Smoove~

Silence

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Tightly coiled, my thoughts wrap around my heart 

Squeezing, tugging, draining all the emotion away 

I sit stone-faced, empty, deprived of light 

So many feelings buried underneath my thickened unbleamished skin

I want to shout and scream, please hear me

Listen to the way my eyes droop with sadness

Listen to the way my shoulders slump in defeat

Listen to the way my knees rock back and forth incessantly

Listen to the patter of my knuckles as they wrap against my desk 

The sound of my voice lies crushed beneath the weight of my pain

I want to utter a phrase, but words escape me 

Nothing seems to be adequate, nothing seems to suffice 

Silence 

The only thing that beakons peace 

Silence 

The only path that leads to freedom 

Silence 

But…I want to speak, can’t you hear me?

Silence 

The comfort I’ve blanketed myself in since birth. 

Silence, my only saving grace.

~Jay Smoove~

Your Words

 

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Your words. They entangle around my heart like shards of glass.

Deeper they cut, sifting away at my confidence, at my worth 

Your words. They encircle around my brain, pulling tighter and tighter until all my feelings spill out 

Rage. Sadness. Brokeness. 

I try to contain those feelings, to have control, but there Your words are again.

Creeping back into my mind, as a loud speaker, they bellow over  and invade my thoughts

The pain of it all, comes rippling back, shocking my core 

I’m not that  person anymore, the sad little girl, longing to belong, to be accepted

All I want is to move forward, but Your words

They trap me.

They stifle me.

They Bury me.

I try with all my might to escape, to break free.

To let go of the anger, to heal the pain, to no longer seek forgiveness.

How hard for a child to understand the shortcomings of an adult?

To deal with pride, to deal with lies, to deal with bitter fear.

No matter how hard you attempted to mangle, belittle, and hurt me

Your words no longer can stay here.

Take them. 

I empty myself of  all of your toxicity and trauma.

You can no long hurt me.

You words can no longer cause me to hurt others.

I am free from your control.

Your words.

Your pain.

I empty myself of you.

~Jay Smoove~

Why am I?

 

EDIT: Arm adjusted 09/05/09 Going for something lighter in terms of subject and hopefully, a little uplifting too. I brought the horizon up with the flight of the bird to get a stronger feeling of ...

 

What do you do when your soul is aching?

When the very depths of your being stings with pain?

You can pour on alcohol, or put on a bandage, but the scar still seeps with agony 

You smile and a tinge of brokenness is the only emotion that washes across your face.

Why am I so hurt?

So many emotions buried, as much as I true to heal, they surface their ugly head

I just want to be okay…

I want to have happiness that doesn’t float away 

It’s like a ship being rocked to and fro, the moment you think you’re steady, a heap of water plunges on to the boat’s floor

Why am I not okay?

This messy dichotomy of sadness and happiness, confidence and lack

Most often I feel like I’m drowning, being pulled down by fear, anxiety, depression

I try and I try to rise, but my feet are anchored, buried in the past 

I just want relief, to live in the present and not to be swallowed by feelings of inadequacy and grief

Why am I not enough?

Nobody knows my pain, my struggles,

I sit barren face, “serious,” “mean”…

But really I’m just a child screaming to be accepted, to be loved, to be valued

I’m so tired of being misunderstood, of over-explaining, of talking too much

I walk around like an alien, so far removed from society

Nobody understands my wit, my passion, my being 

Why am I so different?

I’m trying to be happy, to survive, to beat the odds.

But I find myself here again, struggling, trying to smile, when my heart is filled with so much sorrow

How do I heal alone…How do I heal from things that I continue to have to face

How do I finally be okay?

~Jay Smoove~

A Black Woman’s Veins

30 Mesmerizingly Beautiful Women Painting Ideas on Canvas

 

What is it that courses through a black woman’s veins?

Our history intricately woven in struggle and pain.

Despite the obstacles continually faced,

We move with unmovable strength and such regal grace

What is it that courses through a black woman’s veins?

Constantly we are berated and made to feel shame.

Too loud, too much attitude, too outspoken, too demonstrative

In a court room full of accusers we are never the plaintiff.

Always the defendant actively trying to navigate the stereotypes that are hollow,

The plight of those before us serving as a guide for tomorrow

What is it that courses through a black woman’s veins?

Maya said we were phenomenal right?

Rosa taught us to never give up and keep equality in sight,

Kathrine’s calculations  helped foster preparations to the moon

Dorthy was a human computer, and Mary made every black engineers hearts swoon

 

What is it that courses through a black woman’s veins?

When they ravage us with hurt, yet tell us to not complain

When they pick apart the art that is our bodies,

big hips, big butt, big lips, big what…why are we never enough?

When they go low though, Michelle taught us to go high,

to look to the sky and gain strength and to have pride

In who we are, in whose we are, and what we have yet to become.

What is that courses through a black woman’s veins?

That allows her to spit out defeat, and boldly proclaim…

We are here!

We overcome death, we overcome struggle, we overcome one parent households

We are strong, we are unrelenting, we are bold!

What is it a about a black woman, our stability is a force deep within

We take, and take, and take, and still we never break.

What is it about a black woman, we are an impenetrable wall

no matter the toil, no matter the heartache, we never fall

Our crowns become crooked, titled, even jaded,

There are times that they may even fall off, or become a little tainted

But we look in the mirror, we look deep within, beyond our skin and we always find strength

What is it that courses through a black woman’s veins….?

~Jay Smoove~

Week 14 BeckiesMental Mess

Instagram post by Ahbash • Apr 16, 2018 at 4:46am UTC

Image found on pintrest

Question Prompt:

  1. How would you describe your relationships with family and friends?
    • Depends on the side of the family and the set of friends. It really is a loaded question for me. My parents divorced when I was young, so out of 8 sibling, 7 have the same dad as me and their own mom, and 1 has the same mom as me and her own dad. I’ve always felt like nobody understands or relates to me, so that makes me feel extremely alone and isolated. Neither one of my parents are very touchy or emotionally expressive outside of texting, so I tend to over express or attach myself to the first person that shows love in a way that I crave or recognize.
    • I have a few close friends, but most of them live back in the state where I went to college. I moved to be closer to my mother and maternal side. Although I feel more complete in the family sense, I feel completely broken in the sense of having true friends. I’ve lost two best friends this year, one because I am engaged to a woman, and another because I did not want to put up with her toxicity anymore, but life moves forward. As a taurus I am extremely loyal and protective of those that I love, so when I decide to walk away, it’s because I have truly had enough. Both of those friendships where 15 plus years of my life, so it has definitely been a season of loss and hurt for me.
  2. Have you ever had to set boundaries with family and friends?
    • This year in particular I have had a determined focus to strengthen myself mentally and emotionally. With that, I have had to walk away from friendships that I thought I would have for forever, and even cut off family members. Has it been easy, no…do I get tired of being considered the bad guy, of course, but I have had to do what’s best for me to be happy and healthy.
  3. Do you believe your boundaries are respected by your families and friends?
    • No, not at all. They don’t get me, so it’s easier to say I’m mean, or I just like to be alone, when really I like to be around people that bring me peace. I like to laugh and have a good time. I like to feel light, and not always immersed in other peoples problems and burdened by their issues. The phrase you can’t pour from an empty cup is completely true.
  4. Are you treated differently because of your mental illness/disorders?
    • Mostly just misunderstood. When I’m depressed, I lose a lot of friends since I tend to be the one always checking in. When I have anxiety, I tend to still isolate myself because I’d rather spend time thinking, writing, or appreciating nature.
  5. Are your family and friends supportive and understanding of your mental health?
    • My mom definitely is. My father is another story. He doesn’t have much emotional awareness. I could spend my life resenting that or accepting that that is just who he is. I’ve placed boundaries where I see fit, and don’t waste my emotions on people that I know either don’t understand or don’t care to understand.
  6. Describe a “For instance” of how you handled setting boundaries with family or friends? 
    • I don’t always handle it well. It hurts, so there is a lot of emotions that go into setting boundaries. It sucks because you feel more isolated. It hurts because again you are misunderstood. It brings peace because the people who are bringing you pain, you get to decide to not allow access to your emotions anymore. It brings sadness because you can’t help but want the people to just understand so that you all can have a happy healthy relationship.
    • You can’t make people see you. You can’t make people understand your pain. You have no way of seeing their pain or what keeps them from being able to empathize with you. So you move forward until you find your people, who may or may not be family.
    • You go to therapy. It helps to not feel like you’re crazy or alone. It helps that even if it’s a stranger, it’s someone that tries to relate to your feelings and pain.
  7. September 4, 2019 “Working on Us” This Weeks Mental Health Prompts for Blogging Community: Week 14 Topic: Relationships and Boundaries — Beckie’s Mental Mess

September 4, 2019 “Working on Us” This Weeks Mental Health Prompts for Blogging Community: Week 14 Topic: Relationships and Boundaries — Beckie’s Mental Mess

Hello, All! Welcome back to “Working on Us” – A series that represents people with mental health illnesses/disorders. ~💚~ Before I begin Week #14, I’d like to share with you all the participants that had responded to Week #13 – Topic: Sleep Disorders/Insomnia. I was flabbergasted over the similarities, yet impressed with how many bloggers […]

via September 4, 2019 “Working on Us” This Weeks Mental Health Prompts for Blogging Community: Week 14 Topic: Relationships and Boundaries — Beckie’s Mental Mess

Prompt 13 BeckiesMentalMess

It may be something more serious than you thought ...

 

Prompt #1 Questions:

  1. Have you, or do you suffer from sleep disorders?
    1. Nothing that has been diagnosed. When I’m depressed I can sleep for over 15 hours straight, when I have anxiety I’m usually up everyday between 3:30am and 5am.
  2. Have you sought treatment for your sleep disorders?
    1. No, I just deal with it the best I can. Typically when I’m happy I deal more with anxiety and being up before I’m ready to be. A lot of times I wake up at 3 and just can’t get my mind to turn off. The depression, I haven’t really dealt much with besides when I’m not living up to my crazy expectations and being hard on myself.
  3. Have you ever had a sleep study on you, and if so, what was recommended?
    1. No, as much as I like science and even though I was almost a nurse, I hate doctors for myself haha.
  4. Has your doctor prescribed medication for your sleep disorder, if so, what has worked for you?
    1. I’ve taken clonazepam for anxiety but that’s about it as far as regulating my sleep goes.
  5. Have you ever tried home remedies to alleviate your sleep disorders? 
    1. Yes, lavender primarily, rubbing the oil on my chest before I sleep.
  6. What’s the longest amount of time you went without sleep?
    1. More than 24 hours but that was when I was in college and crazy busy.